I Used To Be the Queen
by queenevilregal
Summary: Regina separated herself from the Evil queen and now all hell is breaking loose in Storybrooke. Unable to deal with the guilt any longer, Regina drowns her sorrows in alcohol and gets drunk out of her mind. Emma and Hook try to save the day and of course comic chaos ensues.


I Used To Be the Queen

It had been a long and stressful night for the residents of Storybrooke. Emma and Hook watched helplessly as Belle handed her newborn son over to the blue fairy for safekeeping. Belle was recovering from her horrific childbirth without an actual child to make it tolerable and the long-suffering Mr. And Mrs. Charming were still taking turns being awake during their joint sleeping curse. Everyone was on edge. Everyone had problems. On this night, however, Regina was the person most likely to lose her shit! She couldn't escape the guilty feeling of everything being her fault. After all, she was the one who separated herself from the Evil Queen. She couldn't take all the chaos anymore, so she went to "The Rabbit Hole" for a real drink. The mild sips from Granny's just wouldn't cut it tonight.

Regina sat at the bar, slugged back drink after drink, and blurted out all of her grievances to anyone who would listen. Mostly it was just mindless, drunken nonsense mixed in with a little guilt and a little bit of missing her old self. As much as Regina hated to admit, she missed being the evil queen. It made her feel alive!

"I used to be the queen" Regina spat, stumbling off her stool and spilling her drink "I used to be the fairest of them all"! "I used to torture and kill" She bragged, grabbing a random patron by the collar "It was great" Regina slurred, "Now I'm so boring"! Regina complained, "I'm practically a Charming" She wailed drunkenly, tripping over her own foot.

She sat back down at the bar, put her head down and wept loudly. Regina was a mess! Everyone just stared at her and snickered. Regina's phone was lighting up like a Christmas tree with calls and texts from all of the usual suspects. The evil queen was still on the loose in Storybrooke, so of course everyone became alarmed when Regina was nowhere to be found.

"Leave me alone"! She yelled at the noisy device, plopping it into one of the many empty glasses surrounding her. "I'm drinking" She grinned "Bartender, my glass is empty. Fix it" Regina demanded.

"Don't you think you've had enough"? The bartender asked, concerned.

"I don't need advice from you, fill err up" Regina barked.

"Okay, but this is the last one" The bartender replied.

A very insulted Regina just lifted her hands off the bar and proceeded to give the bartender not one, but two middle fingers.

"Regina, there you are"! Emma said, storming into the bar, relieved to find her friend safe. Emma and Hook had been driving all over Storybrooke looking for Regina. They went into the bar when they spotted Regina's car parked out front.

"Go away"! Regina grumbled, "I was just about to play some tunes on the ole jukebox. Don't interrupt me," She slurred, once again stumbling off the bar stool and zig zagging towards the jukebox, dropping quarters in her wake.

"Regina, why don't you let us take you home"? Emma suggested

"No"! "Go away"! Regina shouted, "Your family's boringness has already covered me like mold" She slurred, "I'm moldy…and boring…I'm a moldy bore," Regina whined.

Emma and Hook watched in disbelief as Regina proceeded to sing along with the melodramatic 80's power ballads coming out of the jukebox. Somehow , the mayor knew every word and blurted them out at the top of her lungs, completely off key, all while dancing like a bug on a hot sidewalk.

"Bloody hell! Let's get her out of here before we have to suffer through Don't Stop Believing," Hook pleaded.

"Let me get her" Emma replied, "Regina responds better to me" She pointed out.

"As you wish, love" Hook answered calmly.

"Regina, come on, let's get you home so you can sleep all of this off" Emma reasoned

"Get away from me, Savior" Regina yelled, "You're always so sweet. So nice. I hate being nice. I loved being a bitch. You haven't lived until some peasant stands before you trembling in fear" Regina reminisced

"You're not that person anymore, remember"? Emma reminded Regina

"Oh I'm well aware" Regina lamented "My other half is out there somewhere having the time of her life, while I'm stuck here, in a fucking ugly pants suit, with you Debbie Downers" She seethed

"We're not Debbie Downers. We can be fun" Emma replied hesitantly, not only trying to convince Regina, but herself as well.

"Yeah you guys are a real party. When was the last time you just let loose and tore shit up…huh…huh…that's right. NEVER"! Regina taunted

"You don't need to tear shit up to have a good time, Regina and by the way, nobody told you that you have to wear pants suits. What the hell"! Emma responded, annoyed.

"How come Rumple is banging her"? Regina moaned, "We were alone together in the Enchanted Forest all the time and he never banged me," She cried

"Regina! Stop"! Emma yelled

"I was so horny! The most Rumple ever did was smell my neck and stare at my boobs. He should have been plowing my royal ass"! Regina shouted

Emma turned to Hook, both of their faces filled with disgust. Regina confessed to having had chemistry with the Dark One but it wasn't something either of them enjoyed thinking or hearing about.

"Please stop, Love, or I'm afraid we're all going to be sick" Hook interjected

"Don't look at me like that, Pirate, the man is probably hung like a horse! Have you seen him in those tight leather pants? My vagina is crying just thinking about it" Regina schooled Hook before falling back into another crying jag.

Hook and Emma stepped away from Regina and conferred about how they were going to get her out of the bar. Regina was stubborn as a bull when she was sober. She was currently drunk out of her mind. This was going to be impossible!

While the Pirate and the Savior were figuring out how they were going to get their inebriated friend home, Regina began to have a full-blown conversation with the jukebox. She had wrapped her body around the musical box and was snuggling it. It would have been quite an intimate moment, had the jukebox not been inanimate object.

"Zelena likes the Evil Queen" Regina blabbered "She doesn't like me. She wanted to erase me"! She lamented, holding onto the jukebox tighter, smearing her makeup all over it.

"Stop this nonsense right now! You're embarrassing yourself, Love, let's just get the hell out of this place"! Hook demanded

"Are you fucking kidding me"? Regina shot back "I'm embarrassing myself? Have you seen how much eyeliner you have on"?

"Guys! Stop"! Emma pleaded, "Let's go home, Regina," She continued

"No. I want to see Zelena" Regina informed Emma and Hook "Come on, we'll all go" She elaborated before the trio was whisked away to Zelena's farmhouse.

Regina, Emma and Hook arrived to a dark and silent house. Zelena and baby Robin were obviously fast asleep. However, that was not going to stop Regina, she was on a mission. She needed to talk to her big sister.

"Zelena! Zelena, where are you"? Regina called out as she stumbled around the dark house. When she made it to Zelena's bedroom, Regina pushed and shoved at her to wake her up.

"Get up, Zelena. I didn't come to this dump for nothing. Get up. Get out of bed"! Regina demanded

"Regina! Are you completely mad"? Zelena shouted in annoyance, as she sprang out of her bed "What the hell are you doing here in the middle of the night"? She asked

"I'm having a lot of feelings and I just want to talk to you. Sitter to sitter" Regina stammered

"Oh for the love of god, you're completely wasted"! Zelena pointed out "How could you two fools let her get like this"? Zelena asked, pointing her finger at Hook and Emma.

"We didn't do anything" Emma defended herself

"All we did was get her out now that sleazy bar" Hook added "You should be thanking us"

"I'm afraid it will be a cold day in hell before I thank either of you" Zelena replied sarcastically, while putting on her robe. "Now what is it that you simply must talk about, Regina? I'd like to go back to sleep. I have a daughter that will be waking up and needing my attention in a few hours," She elaborated

Hearing Zelena talk about the baby, her beloved Robin's daughter, suddenly made her blood boil!

"You freaky ginger bitch! You fucked my god damn soulmate"! Regina roared, "Now Robin is dead and all that is left is your freaky ginger baby"! She spat before bursting into tears for the hundredth time that evening

"How dare you talk about my daughter that way"? Zelena hissed

"How dare you get your Munchkinland coodies all over the love of my life"? Regina retorted, "That dick was my destiny, not yours," She added

"Whoopee, all three inches of it" Zelena shot back bitingly

That was it! That dig at Robin made Regina snap! She began roaring like a lion and charged at Zelena, pushing her up against a wall.

"Your crazy, exploding e-cigarette of a boyfriend killed my fucking soulmate"! Regina fumed "Why? Why did he have to take Robin from me? The man had a tongue like a tornado. His scruffy little face always made the perfect seat" She informed everyone in the room before breaking out into full-blown sobs

"You're insane, I can't talk to you" Zelena responded to Regina with a mixture of annoyance and disgust

"Who's supposed to lick me until I forget my own name now"? Regina asked before blowing her nose in one of the baby's bibs.

"Please remove this crazy person from my home" Zelena commanded Hook and Emma

"I'll show you crazy, you witch" Regina hissed as she threw a fireball directly at Zelena, hitting her in the stomach and knocking her onto the floor.

"Regina! No!" Both Hook and Emma yelled

"No. I deserve this" Regina replied, rationalizing her actions "For one, measly night I'm not going to be good" she continued, throwing another, much larger fireball at the already wounded Zelena.

"I can't let you do this," Emma said stoically, walking towards Regina, but her efforts were futile. Knowing that they wouldn't be able to resist their heroic ways, Regina placed an immobilization spell on both Emma and Hook. With them taken care of, Regina reverted her attention back to Zelena. Zelena was badly injured and barely conscious. She didn't understand why her little sister was doing this. She thought they were on the mend.

"Why are you doing this"? Zelena asked pitifully

"Why"? Regina snarled as she hovered over Zelena, "I'll tell you why. You lost the fucking feather! I don't even get a fucking feather, but you get to walk around with my true love's sperm donation!" Regina shrieked before throwing one last deadly fireball at Zelena.

Regina stared at Zelena's burned body in disbelief. Clearly, she didn't need the Evil Queen to be evil, she just needed the proper motivation.

"Oh shit, what have I done"? Regina grieved, while taking the immobilization spell off Hook and Emma. Let's be real, she was probably going to need their help.

"Oh my god, Regina, what did you just do"? Emma asked in disbelief, the stench of burned hair and flesh thick in the air.

Regina quickly used her magic to dispose of Zelena's body. She couldn't stand to look at it for another second. "Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" She raged, "This is what happens when I'm forced to go too long without sex"

"Do you realize what you've done"? Emma questioned, going into her full hero mode "Who's going to take care of the baby"? She asked

"Ummm…call Belle," Regina suggested, starting to look a little queasy "She just sent her kid packing, maybe she'll want this one. I'll call her, right after I go throw up," She continued before vanishing in a cloud of purple smoke.

Hook and Emma just stood there with their mouths open.

"What in the bloody hell just happened"? Hook asked, in a state of total disbelief

"I'm not sure" Emma replied woefully "But Regina is literally never allowed to drink EVER again"!


End file.
